Friday, December 17, 2010

Lazy dom, lazy sub, lazy partner?

A rant about being casual... and if you think i mean you... rest assured, i do not.

I will, for now, use the term partner. It does not matter for this rant, whether it is a "normal" relationship, or a D/s one...

One thing one can observe in some SL relationships, more than in a RL relationship, i will call it development stages:

  1. the partners meet.
    At this stage everything is new and exciting. One can spend hours together, one forgets the sleeping habits, talks, makes love, explores, etc. Everything seems at ease and wonderful.
  2. Concerns are discovered, getting to know each other
    Eventually one partner steps onto the toe of the other, unintentionally. One talks. One exchanges experiences of the past, one gets to know each other.
  3. 1L (RL) blends in
    Where do you live? What do you do? Some partners allow then 1L to mix into 2L, to various degrees. Some cut the 1L out to 100%, others plan to meet 1L. And there are countless shades in between.
  4. All quiet on the western front, daily routine.
    One talks. One plans "what could be if...". And one hangs out. 
At stage 4, the danger of being casual arises. And here even more so for a D/s relation. Since it is expected, that there, in that relation, both are following certain patterns. Like, the "s" is expected to follow, and to "behave" (whatever that can be), while the D is expected to lead.
In a D/s relation, one example for being casual are rules, that are set, and then not followed. It can be, that the rule is not followed by the sub, like "do this and that every day". And the sub is simply not in the mood to do so. Or it is too aggravating. But also the D has, in my opinion, some rules to follow. Like "do not become indifferent in your way how you follow up agreements with your sub, one day so, the other day so, and again other days not at all".

For D/s, one often hears two kinds of complaints:
  • the D states that the s is not really s.
  • the s states, that the D is not really D.
But, at a certain point in time, mostly in the start of the relation, the D was *the* D, and the s was *the* s. And somewhere along the road, that magic was lost. And each single time when this happened, i observed it for this reason: one of these two lost focus on the relation. Like, the partner comes online and has 1000 concerns about whatever, and spends the time with their partner about talking about these concerns, but: none of these 1000 concerns are in any way part of the actual relation.
I do not want to say, that the partner is not there for listening also to general topics and concerns. But if it is a daily routine, that one talks about, for example 1L work, software, viewers, grids, the pope and politics... and if due to that, either the D stops to be D or the sub stops to be s, because they take these 1000 concerns more serious than their actual part in the relation, D or s, then it is high time for a break. 

Step then back and set priorities. Ask yourself things like:
  • Do you really have no other place to bitch about your job than SL?
  • Is it smart to spend time always with plans what one could do, one day, given one condition fullfiled, instead of actually doing what you can do right now?
  • Do you really love the person you are spending time with? or is that one just a welcome entertainment and distraction?
  • Do you really love to be D or s?
This list of questions can be extended, but i guess, you get the idea. So, to sum it up: if you expect your D to behave like a D, then focus on the D and behave like a s. And if you are the D, and expect your s to behave like a s, then you should behave like a D.

Reduce talking to your partner in a casual way, if you are in a D/s relation. For that, you have 1L or non D/s friends. Towards your partner, you have chosen to be either the D or the s. You both have agreed to a certain kind of lifestyle.
You do not have to stop being casual. Or talk nonsense. But if it gets the daily routine, to be casual, then ask yourself, what you really want, D/s or not?

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